palacechristian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
palacechristian) wrote2004-12-29 09:34 am
palacechristian) wrote2004-12-29 09:34 am
Entry tags:
Christian and Johnny. Such Sweet Sorrow
Johnny folded his last shirt into precise creases and then stuffed it into his backpack, ignoring the fact that jamming it down with the rest of his carefully folded clothes just wrinkled everything. Of course, he'd jammed everything in, so it was all pretty much crunched anyway. Folding took longer, though. He'd even folded his socks. Then unfolded them, matched them up, and folded them again before jamming them one pair at a time into the bottom of his pack. That shirt was the last one, though. He searched the room twice, each drawer of the dresser, running his fingertips over Christian's shirts and shorts and slacks, the night table, rooting through the jumble of items in case anything of his had fallen in. The familiar tube of lube was in there where Christian had tossed it last night. The bookcase, the one in the bedroom anyway, he looked over to see if anything of his had found its way there, even though the only two paper books he'd brought were in his pack. He stood in the middle of the floor, looking around at the carved bedstead, the comfortable bay window with its big chair, the soft carpet.... He finally sighed, picked up his pack and trudged into the living room.
Christian looked up as Johnny came out of the bedroom, his pack in his hands. He was dressed for work in slacks and a shirt, his jacket hanging over the back of the chair and was supposedly tying his shoelaces, but his arms had been hanging slackly between his thighs for over twenty minutes now and he was no closer to either tying the laces or reconciling himself to the idea that, today, Johnny was leaving. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. The temptation was still strong, the words right on the tip of his tongue, but he bit them down, tasting sour bile in the back of his throat and watched his lover deposit his pack beside the door. "All ready then?" he asked softly, making no effort to disguise his sorrow at the coming parting.
Johnny nodded without looking up. He was staring at the floor, at the lovingly polished, fine-grained hardwood. He was forcing himself to breathe slowly and regularly when his body was fighting to hyperventilate. He felt his hands start to shake, and quickly wrapped his arms around himself and hung on. Come on, he told himself. Maintain! Relax. Deep breath in... out.... When he was sure he could do so without crying, he looked up at Christian and smiled slightly.
He didn't need to see Johnny's expression, he could feel it and his own misery mirrored it. Christian got to his feet and padded over to where Johnny stood, silently wrapping his arms around the tense body and pulling him in close, his face buried in Johnny's soft hair. He could have stayed right there, content with just this, forever, but it wasn't possible. Schedules and commitments and sheer weight of responsibilities were already dragging at both of them and time was running short. He breathed in Johnny's scent and kissed the soft spot behind his ear. "I am going to miss you."
The feel of Christian's lips on his skin twisted his heart, but the soft words brought the tears running. He choked out a sob and slid his arms around his lover's waist, hanging on as tight as he could, his face pressed against his shirt. "Me too," he gasped, trying to catch his breath around tears and failing miserably. "I'm gonna miss you so much!"
They were rocking together, moving slowly from side to side as if seeking comfort in motion and Christian knew this wasn't a good way to be parting, he'd hoped to be stronger, for both of them to be more in control. It was the only way to get it done. But strength momentarily failed him and he tightened his hold and swayed. "Love you." he murmured, finally gathering fortitude and pulling back just a little. He looked into the dark eyes swimming with tears and his palms cupped both sides of Johnny's face as he kissed him softly. "It won't be long, I swear." he whispered. "We can do this! We'll work it out."
Johnny nodded then pressed forward for another kiss. His hands roamed up and down Christian's back, over the broad, muscled shoulders. He pulled back, no more than a handspan, and ran his fingers lightly over his lover's face, tracing forehead and cheekbones, temples and jaw -- caressing, feeling, memorizing. He pushed his fingers into the thick, dark hair, feeling its springy softness, the way it curled around his hands. "Love you back," he whispered, and pulled him down for another kiss, long and slow and gentle.
It was with a regretful sigh that Christian pulled away, his wristwatch buzzing to tell him he had fifteen minutes before his first appointment. That left Johnny with less than ten to go meet with Harry and . . . leave, leave for the train station. "We have to go." he said softly. His eyes were overly bright, he could feel the moisture in them but he managed a smile and ran the back of his hand down his lover's cheek. "Gonna be late."
Johnny leaned into the caress, then nodded and straightened up. He took a deliberate step back, then leaned down and picked up his pack, his eyes locked on Christian the whole time, as though determined to absorb every sight, every picture, every memory before their separate lives pulled them away.
Crisis past, Christian thought as he laid his hand across Johnny's fine, narrow shoulders and walked with him as far as the door. Then he stopped, unwilling to walk the rest of the way and to see Johnny actually go. He rested his hands on Johnny's shoulders and smiled down into his face. "Love you." He said it again and pressed a soft kiss to his lover's slightly parted lips. "We will work this." He felt like he had to reassure them both. "I'll talk to you tonight, yeah?"
"Yeah," Johnny said, managing a slightly lighter smile this time. He laid his palm on Christian's chest, feeling the strong heartbeat for a few moments. "I'll go to bed early. And... wait for you."
"And I'll be there." he promised. "Got nothing on." Johnny blinked at him and Christian realized what he'd just said. "No appointment, you sod." he teased, managing a brief grin. "I'll be home by seven." he added more seriously. His watch buzzed again and he sucked in a deep breath. "Go." he urged, one more kiss later. Before I do the wrong thing and ask you, beg you, to stay! "Else we'll have Harry barreling down the path all flustered." He took a step back, dropping his arms and biting his bottom lip. "I have to get my jacket."
Johnny nodded again and took a step backward, then another, until the doorknob was pressing into the small of his back. He mouthed goodbye but was unable to give voice to the word.
Go on! Christian's plea was silent, his shields locked shut. Go! He took another step back and then another, relieved and saddened when Johnny stepped out into the daylight and, turning his back, began to trudge up the path to the gate. He stopped and turned, raised his hand in another silent farewell and then disappeared behind the hedge. Christian only realized he'd been standing so stiffly upright when he fell back against the wall, his hands crossed over his stomach, holding himself. Shit! Shitshitshit! This wasn't good. He bitten down on his bottom lip so hard that his mouth flooded with the taste of copper. C'mon Christian, he chided. Know thyself, right? You don't need the same things he does. Remember that. Don't do this!
Christian looked up as Johnny came out of the bedroom, his pack in his hands. He was dressed for work in slacks and a shirt, his jacket hanging over the back of the chair and was supposedly tying his shoelaces, but his arms had been hanging slackly between his thighs for over twenty minutes now and he was no closer to either tying the laces or reconciling himself to the idea that, today, Johnny was leaving. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. The temptation was still strong, the words right on the tip of his tongue, but he bit them down, tasting sour bile in the back of his throat and watched his lover deposit his pack beside the door. "All ready then?" he asked softly, making no effort to disguise his sorrow at the coming parting.
Johnny nodded without looking up. He was staring at the floor, at the lovingly polished, fine-grained hardwood. He was forcing himself to breathe slowly and regularly when his body was fighting to hyperventilate. He felt his hands start to shake, and quickly wrapped his arms around himself and hung on. Come on, he told himself. Maintain! Relax. Deep breath in... out.... When he was sure he could do so without crying, he looked up at Christian and smiled slightly.
He didn't need to see Johnny's expression, he could feel it and his own misery mirrored it. Christian got to his feet and padded over to where Johnny stood, silently wrapping his arms around the tense body and pulling him in close, his face buried in Johnny's soft hair. He could have stayed right there, content with just this, forever, but it wasn't possible. Schedules and commitments and sheer weight of responsibilities were already dragging at both of them and time was running short. He breathed in Johnny's scent and kissed the soft spot behind his ear. "I am going to miss you."
The feel of Christian's lips on his skin twisted his heart, but the soft words brought the tears running. He choked out a sob and slid his arms around his lover's waist, hanging on as tight as he could, his face pressed against his shirt. "Me too," he gasped, trying to catch his breath around tears and failing miserably. "I'm gonna miss you so much!"
They were rocking together, moving slowly from side to side as if seeking comfort in motion and Christian knew this wasn't a good way to be parting, he'd hoped to be stronger, for both of them to be more in control. It was the only way to get it done. But strength momentarily failed him and he tightened his hold and swayed. "Love you." he murmured, finally gathering fortitude and pulling back just a little. He looked into the dark eyes swimming with tears and his palms cupped both sides of Johnny's face as he kissed him softly. "It won't be long, I swear." he whispered. "We can do this! We'll work it out."
Johnny nodded then pressed forward for another kiss. His hands roamed up and down Christian's back, over the broad, muscled shoulders. He pulled back, no more than a handspan, and ran his fingers lightly over his lover's face, tracing forehead and cheekbones, temples and jaw -- caressing, feeling, memorizing. He pushed his fingers into the thick, dark hair, feeling its springy softness, the way it curled around his hands. "Love you back," he whispered, and pulled him down for another kiss, long and slow and gentle.
It was with a regretful sigh that Christian pulled away, his wristwatch buzzing to tell him he had fifteen minutes before his first appointment. That left Johnny with less than ten to go meet with Harry and . . . leave, leave for the train station. "We have to go." he said softly. His eyes were overly bright, he could feel the moisture in them but he managed a smile and ran the back of his hand down his lover's cheek. "Gonna be late."
Johnny leaned into the caress, then nodded and straightened up. He took a deliberate step back, then leaned down and picked up his pack, his eyes locked on Christian the whole time, as though determined to absorb every sight, every picture, every memory before their separate lives pulled them away.
Crisis past, Christian thought as he laid his hand across Johnny's fine, narrow shoulders and walked with him as far as the door. Then he stopped, unwilling to walk the rest of the way and to see Johnny actually go. He rested his hands on Johnny's shoulders and smiled down into his face. "Love you." He said it again and pressed a soft kiss to his lover's slightly parted lips. "We will work this." He felt like he had to reassure them both. "I'll talk to you tonight, yeah?"
"Yeah," Johnny said, managing a slightly lighter smile this time. He laid his palm on Christian's chest, feeling the strong heartbeat for a few moments. "I'll go to bed early. And... wait for you."
"And I'll be there." he promised. "Got nothing on." Johnny blinked at him and Christian realized what he'd just said. "No appointment, you sod." he teased, managing a brief grin. "I'll be home by seven." he added more seriously. His watch buzzed again and he sucked in a deep breath. "Go." he urged, one more kiss later. Before I do the wrong thing and ask you, beg you, to stay! "Else we'll have Harry barreling down the path all flustered." He took a step back, dropping his arms and biting his bottom lip. "I have to get my jacket."
Johnny nodded again and took a step backward, then another, until the doorknob was pressing into the small of his back. He mouthed goodbye but was unable to give voice to the word.
Go on! Christian's plea was silent, his shields locked shut. Go! He took another step back and then another, relieved and saddened when Johnny stepped out into the daylight and, turning his back, began to trudge up the path to the gate. He stopped and turned, raised his hand in another silent farewell and then disappeared behind the hedge. Christian only realized he'd been standing so stiffly upright when he fell back against the wall, his hands crossed over his stomach, holding himself. Shit! Shitshitshit! This wasn't good. He bitten down on his bottom lip so hard that his mouth flooded with the taste of copper. C'mon Christian, he chided. Know thyself, right? You don't need the same things he does. Remember that. Don't do this!